The Difference Between Being Alone and Being Lonely
Last week I wrote a blog about the Power of Friendships, literally, the power of our tribe reflecting back to us who we are.
This morning one of our community members sent me a podcast by Mel Robbins on the The Hidden Power of a Woman Who Walks Alone. As with all of Mel Robbin’s podcasts she is very thoughtful in her message and does a good job speaking woman-to-woman and comes across as a close friend. In this podcast she reminds us that if we are lonely it can be because we’ve withdrawn due to previous heartbreak (quite common) or we have been busy people who haven’t taken the time to invest in relationships, which we are aware requires nurturing. Loneliness is NOT failure, it is feedback.
In the podcast she flips loneliness on its head to talk about the benefits of loneliness. Everything has benefits as does the perceived experiencing of “lacking” a desire. One benefit is an appreciation for its presence when it’s recognized. As I listened, though, I realized she wasn’t talking about loneliness as much as the power of Self Reliance, Self Sovereignty and the Power of Being Alone. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. The dictionary defines them as follows:
Lonely: Cut off from others; sad. (this indicates an emotional state)
Alone: Having no one present. (this indicates a situation)
It is my belief that being able to be alone is a necessary part of developing self and moving from being dependent in relationships to independent in relationships. As an individual develops their interests and passions, following one’s curiosity, and develop themselves, they move from being a person dependent upon another in order experience self worth and begin to value themselves as they develop. It’s a maturation thing. As the Self unfolds and passions discovered, the person then is able to live an artist’s life. A life of living in and from the Flow. This is where you find an individual reading, taking walks by themselves and soaking up nature, writing, painting, poetry, engaging in creative endeavors.
Spirituality REQUIRES time alone. In order to develop spiritually, one MUST spend time in solitude, meditation, and prayer. It is a habit or practice which trains the mind from living circumstantially to living from purpose. It trains us from getting feedback to the many voices of the world to cultivating a reliance on one’s own. If you are someone who hasn’t spent much time alone, then it may be time for you to start. As with all things, start small. I spent three years in silence and solitude and a friend of mine thought that was the coolest thing so she booked a weekend away for herself in the mountains. She returned home the same day she left because she couldn’t take it. She hadn’t built her muscle up for solitude. She was following an external idea instead of listening to what was hers to do. If solitude and aloneness is new to you, begin with 10 minutes a day and work yourself up to an hour. Go on a silent meditation retreat surrounded by people as you practice quietude. Give yourself the gift of learning to be alone and enjoying it. Over time you will like then love yourself more than you can imagine.
There are three levels of relationships that therapists speak about often:
Dependence. This is a relationship where one or both persons rely heavily on the other for emotional, financial, or personal stability, often leading to imbalance and a loss of self. This is a necessary stage of child to parent relationship and if undeveloped a person can bring it with them into adulthood
Independence. Each person maintains their own identity and autonomy, allowing space for personal growth. Two independent people behave as equals.
Interdependence is the healthy middle ground where both individuals support one another while remaining self-sufficient, creating a balanced and mutually fulfilling partnership.
Last week as I wrote about my appreciation of friendships, I was coming from a place of interdependence. A gratitude for being me and my friends being them and meeting in the sweet spot. Mel Robbins in her podcast is speaking to a dependent individual letting them know that independence of self is a cool place to be. She says such things as:
Have you ever felt the weight of walking alone? Not just physically, but emotionally mentally and spiritually it’s easy to think of loneliness something negative something to avoid but what if I told you that walking alone is where your true power lies what if this solitude this path you fear to walk could unlock a level of strength within you that you never thought possible the world around you is filled with noise, opinions, judgment, expectation everywhere you look, someone is trying to tell you who to be how to act and what to feel and it’s easy to get lost in that noise, but there’s something deeply powerful about stepping away from it all something that happens when you choose to walk alone not because you have to, but because you decided it’s the only way forward.
The more we develop spiritually, the more we realize that Truth is paradoxical; containing both sides. As I wrote last week about the power of friendships, this week I am writing about the power of being alone. These seem oppositional, yet they are not. Having found yourself and bringing it into a relationship is rewarding in a way a dependent relationship can never be.
My Your Life Be Full and Your Soul Sing.
Love to you,
Reverend Bonnie
To hear Mel Robbin’s podcast The Hidden Power of a Woman Who Walks alone, click here.
